Part-time parent?

During my pregnancy and the first year of Gavin's life the unsolicited advice and statements of superiority by other mothers was the worst. Sometimes it even came from young women who weren't yet mothers, but were certain they knew everything there was to know about being a mother and caring for a child "the right way." These young ladies got under my skin the most.

"You are going to breastfeed, aren't you?"
"So when's your last day of work?"

Breastfeeding didn't work out for me and I still bring home a paycheck.

Thankfully these kind of remarks have begun to subside or maybe I am just getting better at ignoring them or avoiding people who tend to make them. Either way every now and then I get blindsided by what I believe are completely inappropriate comments to make to a fellow parent. Let me explain...


Earlier this week a SAHM peer referred to herself as a "full-time mommy and wife" and how she just couldn't understand how working mothers could "leave their babies to be raised by others." She, being the better mother clearly, was staying home to raise her children. Woa. Raised by others? Seriously, how does one get into that mind set? First of all, there is a HUGE difference between leaving a child to be raised by others and going to work so that you can raise your child. Big difference. Do you really believe that working parents aren't raising their children? I wanted to tell her that perhaps she could have benefited from a bit more mothering, because somewhere along the way she had lost her manners.

I know I shouldn't let these things bother me, but they do. I hope as I mature I improve my ability to let things just "roll off my back." And no offense to my non-self-righteous SAHM friends, which I am blessed with several. You gals rock and I truly appreciate you as women, friends, and hardworking mothers - and that's why we're friends and not merely peers. It's more likely that you and I will have meaningful conversations about our different experiences and maybe even garner new wisdom and insight from each other. Those moments I cherish, because it is those moments, built on a foundation of mutual respect that true friendships are born.

But here's my beef with the above statement about being a "full-time mommy" . It implies that conversely "working moms" are only part-time wives and mothers, which as any working mom knows simply is not the case - far from it actually. In fact maybe we should be considered over-time parents, because we have two full-time jobs - our families and our income-providing work, which relates directly to the well-being of our family. It's all about raising our family and building a life together. Furthermore with that same logic, it would be fair to say that if the stay-at-home parent is considered the "full-time parent" does that mean that the full-time working parent, conventionally the father, is only a part-time parent? How many working dads (or moms) out there who have a spouse at home feel like they are only part-time or weekend parents? Or does the mother like the one I ran into this week believe that somehow her partner who works full-time is an exception to this logic because "he's working so hard to support his family"? Am I not equally eligible for this exception? Afterall I too work very hard to support my family.

What I've learned in my two years of parenting is that each parenting/mothering experience is completely different than the next. Circumstances and resources are unique to each family. Who has time to sit back and scrutinize, criticize, and judge other mothers? Parents do the best they can with what they have. The SAHM doesn't love her children more, the working mother doesn't love her children less. Turns out I don't have to be a SAHM in order to enjoy or be successful at homemaking or to spend quality hands-on time with my child. So I change less diapers. I guess I'll only get honorable mention in the "Who's the better mother" diaper changing category.

If the common goal between the two different mothers is to raise caring, intelligent, capable individuals then what does it matter how this is accomplished?


Stepping off my soapbox now.